December 2022
Dear Friends & Family,
This has been a year of unimaginable change.
As some of you know, I was diagnosed with inoperable, stage IV, metastatic prostate cancer in late June. I had a gut feeling that I had it (probably for months if not years) but I kept hoping that the PSA tests were somehow invalid or that my body would miraculously heal itself.
That never happened. It is a very aggressive strain and found its way into my spine, ribs, pelvis, hips and femur; a most unwelcome guest.
Over these last few months, everyone in the family rallied to help me deal with the disease and all the associated unknowns and limitations. There are ongoing tests, infusions, appointments, doctors, physical therapists and paperwork to deal with. Wendy, Jon and Kenny have borne the brunt of this. The mystery to me is how they can always be so supportive, positive and caring. The support from our extended circle of family and friends has been tremendous. Thank you all so very much.
I wish you all a healthy and happy 2023. That is certainly my plan.
Yours,
Michael
Dear Loved Ones,
As Michael says, in a flash everything can change. But this punishing year has also rendered many gifts.
We are very lucky to live near a top research hospital and receive treatment from an expert in the field; to be surrounded by amazing family and friends; we’re lucky it's prostate cancer, which has cutting-edge treatment options and a relatively long timeline for survival. Most of all, we are lucky to have our two sons, Jon and Kenny, who dropped everything to help their dad. Jon took over Michael’s duties caring for his mother Amy, who is 87. Jon and his girlfriend Diana take his grandmother out to dinner, shopping, and let her nap on their couch. Meanwhile, Kenny canceled plans to move to Los Angeles with his girlfriend Christine, who was entering grad school at UCLA; this Fall, she matriculated at Berkeley instead, and Kenny took a three-month leave of absence from work at Ideo to care for his father. He’d drive Michael to appointments and pick up roast duck over rice for his lunch. Mostly they spent unstructured, invaluable time together. We are so proud of the men our sons have become, centered in the values we hold dear. And we are so grateful for their partners–the daughters we always dreamed of having.
In October, I started my own 12-week leave to support Michael. He’s strong enough now to handle his own medications, track his own appointments, and pick up his own prescriptions. I’m really just the driver, cook, and massage therapist, rubbing his back many times each day, whenever he’s up for it. It’s the only thing I can do that seems to offer him any relief. I find the grace notes happen when we have nothing planned: eating breakfast together, sharing my attempts at calligraphy, talking about recipes or friends. For those moments, I am full of gratitude.
Suddenly though, I do have more time to read. I returned to an old favorite, Rainer Maria Rilke’s “Letters to a Young Poet,” (the Stephen Mitchell translation) looking for this passage:
And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now.
Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along
some distant day into the answer.
To live the questions now, at a moment when all the questions have shifted. The old questions–about achievement, career, even transitory happiness–don’t really matter much right now. I am focusing on being present in each moment. Accepting where we are. Sharing warmth, laughter, and gratitude everyday.
What I’ve found, five months in, is that all the small stuff has fallen away. What’s left is our essential connection, the core of our relationship. Every day, Michael makes me laugh. We communicate honestly and openly. He knows I will deploy every tool I’ve got to get him the care he needs. The rest, I think we’ll just have to meet as it comes.
Although we may not be able to see you, Michael and I feel your love and support. May you enjoy good health and contentment in the year to come.
Best always,
Wendy
Cards to Michael from friends and family
September 20, 2023
Dear Okagaki/Kimura Family,
We want to thank all of you for your kind thoughts and cards. It's been so nice to hear from you and your children and grandchildren. Allison even had her extended family draw get-well pictures for Michael, which are so lovely.
We wanted to let you know how Michael is doing.
For about a year, the standard-of-care hormone treatment for prostate cancer worked pretty well. Michael's cancer was more or less in check and the pain management team kept his pain under control. But in June, it became apparent that the hormone treatments were no longer working well.
Since late June, Michael's cancer has spread and his pain has increased. He now has cancerous lesions in his hip and femur, bladder, lymph nodes, and spine, as well as the prostate. He has very limited energy and more pain.
In July, Michael was enrolled in a clinical trial but put in the control group. He didn't react well to that medication and was quickly removed. Then we had to wait for 8 weeks while he got approved for the trial drug, Lutetium. It's a radioactive substance that attaches to the genetic markers on Michael's cancer cells -- so hopefully it is a targeted way of killing them. Michael got the first dose of this treatment on Sept 8th.
After this radioactive treatment, for a short time, Michael was unable to walk and we scrambled to get wheelchairs and walkers in place. But thankfully, he has bounced back a bit and is able to move around and do some light chores like laundry. Last weekend, our son Jon took over and helped administer RX and meals while I was away. Kenny and Christine and Diana are all pitching in too.
I know that some of you are in text conversation with Michael which is the very best way to stay in touch. But recently, he's so tired he isn't doing much texting so please bear with us. And thank you for your cards and emails.
We're hoping the precision medicine works and that Michael will regain some vitality and his pain will be reduced. As one would expect of an Okagaki, Michael remains stoic and even keel in the face of so many challenges.
He still has his projects: recently a shipment of radio tube boxes arrived. Michael intends on individually boxing Uncle Joe's tubes and sending them to Garrett Funabiki, who delightfully shares Michael's passion for tube amplifiers. When Uncle Joe died, Auntie Tomi gave Michael hundreds of tubes. So the electronics gene lives on in a new generation.
I wish I had better news to report. It's been a hairy few months this summer, but things are in equilibrium for now. Last week I retired from the Internet Archive to spend more time with Michael and each day is such a gift.
I know it is not a very Okagaki-like thing to share this much detail, but I wanted you to know where things stand. Michael sends you his best.
With gratitude,
Wendy
December 7, 2023
Dear Friends,
I am writing to you from the TCU at UCSF, where Michael was moved a few nights ago from the ICU. I am happy to report that he's had a relatively peaceful and uneventful night with family by his side 24/7. A couple of nights ago I took this photo of Kenny feeding Michael jello in the ICU. Even now there are moments of supreme grace.
Michael has been in the hospital for the last two weeks battling the problems associated with his spreading prostate cancer. Sadly, the cancer has invaded his bone marrow, greatly depleting his red blood cells and platelets, and limiting his blood's capacity to clot. Even after platelet transfusions, Michael's nose began to bleed and wouldn't stop for 12 hours, sending us to the ER.
While in the hospital, Michael started bleeding internally, and that has cascaded, sending him to the ICU. The UCSF team is working valiantly to stabilize him and treat each emergent problem. He now has tubes draining his abdomen, both kidneys, and one through his nose to his stomach. The more blood that comes out, the more bags they transfuse in. These last five days have been the most painful of Michael's life. Our main goals are managing Michael's pain and buying him a little more time -- weeks if not days to have the conversations he wants to have with those closest to him.
I want to thank you for your many kind messages, cards, cookies, fruit, challah, and acts of kindness. I can't always answer your calls and messages, but it's nice to know we have a large support system to call upon. I will certainly need you all in the hard days ahead.
On Thanksgiving, Michael and I stayed home for a quiet day together. He was very peaceful and sitting on the couch, the light caught him just so: I like to think of him like this -- meditative, calm, without pain.
On his last morning before unexpectedly entering the hospital, I asked Michael to fix the top to our backpack tansu. Yesterday I found this on his workbench:
He finished the project. That is Michael -- the ultimate fix-it man, of watches, antiques, and people.
The one truth I can share with you is that Michael has not given up. He has more things he wants to do.
With Gratitude,
Wendy
December 14, 2023
Dear Friends,
I wanted to bring you up to date on Michael's status.
On Monday, Michael had a sudden burst of energy and was able to talk and joke, and even sing a few songs with us. He has been hoping to have conversations with the boys and with friends and family, and was able to do that as far as his energy would permit. Our former pastor, Michael Yoshii, came several times and they shared some profound discussions about Michael's last 18 months with cancer. Mike and Suzanne performed Reiki on Michael and we prayed the Jesus prayer to the cadence of Michael's breathing. His request: for God to give him strength.
Then on Wednesday morning, we saw a shift to a new phase. Michael spoke less and had more pain. He still enjoyed a long shampoo and scalp massage yesterday and found relief in icey towels to his forehead. But his life force is ebbing, and it is clear that these are his last few days with us.
One thing of note: several nights in a row, Michael reported that his dad came to see him and hit him on the foot. The motion was so familiar, Michael told me, that he recognized his father's presence immediately. He has really missed his conversations with Tom, so I hope they can reconnect soon to discuss the Shohei Otani deal.
Recently, Michael told me how much he appreciates the 1890's Seth Thomas clock that sits outside UCSF. His branch of the NAWCC (National Association of Watch and Clock Collectors) maintains this timekeeping instrument. As I leave the hospital each night, I think of it as a good talisman with its regular cadence and steadfast beat.
Meanwhile, today is Kenny's 28th birthday, and to celebrate our favorite chef Sylvan Brackett of Rintaro has agreed to prepare a special meal to eat in Michael's hospital room. Michael can no longer eat or drink but I know he will enjoy the experience. Sylvan plans to pack the dishes in special pine boxes that his carpenter-father made for New Year's Osetchi ryori. Michael has always coveted those Rintaro special pine boxes! I think he has been hanging in there to be with Kenny and the family on this special day.
Thanks to all of you for your cards, care packages, meal delivery, errands run, and hospital shifts -- especially those killer 2-6 AM shifts. Family members and close friends have been with Michael 24/7 to make sure he gets the pain relief he needs here in the hospital. We are trying to create a serene space for Michael, so he can rest and find peace.
With Gratitude,
Wendy, Kenny, Jon, and Michael
December 22, 2023
Dear Friends & Family,
I am so very sad to tell you that Michael died on Monday morning at 7:20 a.m.
I was with him when he drew his last breath. The boys were there minutes later when his spirit was warm in his body.
When I met Michael in 1977, one of the things that drew us together was our love for our Issei grandmothers. He wrote me a letter about visiting his grandmother in the hospital for the last time. "Boy-san, I made you the kombu you like. It's in my refrigerator," his grandmother said from her hospital bed. Acts of service have always been the Okagaki family's way of expressing love.
Thank you for your many, many cards, books, CDs, meals, care packages, and texts of interest and encouragement to Michael. They engaged him in these last 18 months and helped him to journey beyond his illness. And thank you for consistently supporting me and the boys through the tsunami of emotions that we are experiencing. For Kenny, Jon and me, the pain of losing Michael is almost unimaginable.
In recent months, Michael started doing kintsugi, the Japanese art of pottery repair. When something broke, he would carefully sweep up all the pieces and put them back together again. Including his grandmother's china:
Michael Okagaki
husband, father, chemist, chef, musician, repairman, friend
(May 14, 1957 - December 18, 2023)
We will be celebrating Michael's life at our church in Alameda, Buena Vista United Methodist, sometime in late January or February. If you have stories you'd like to share about Michael or photos, the boys and I would treasure them. I am attaching Michael's roast lamb recipe for inspiration this holiday season.